My Epic Fail

I went to the airshow the other night and watched talented pilots perform exeptional feats in wicked cool planes. Right then and there I decided that I wanted to get some aerobatics lessons from those pilots, perhaps one day even do a few airshows myself. One, it would just be really cool, and Two, it'd be amazing to be one of the very few women aerobatic pilots on the airshow circuit. I was truly inspired. And that night, while watching a Pitts go straight vertical and hang by its prop, I got the call from my instructor that my commercial flight test was booked for next week. Well, if I can watch someone cut a rope strung across the runway at 25 FT AGL upside down, I can pass a measly commercial test.

Unfortunately, it turns out I can't. Now, you're probably wondering why I've decided I can't pass a test that's supposed to be 7 days from now? Because I can't even pass the test before the test, the one that qualifies you for the test in the first place. Now, instead of my instructor writing up a nice little letter of recommendation for me, he's suggested I instead keep my flying to taking up friends and family, for I'm at least good enough for that, just not good enough to have anyone pay me to do it.

Did you ever watch that movie, Rudy? Rudy is a guy who absolutely loves football, but just isn't good enough to play. He wants it so bad, so finally, during the final game, the coach lets him go in and he scores the final touchdown (I think, but I don't know for sure). His years of work culminated to that one play, but it was enough for him. His years of striving paid off in that moment, because he wasn't even supposed to have that one play...basically he wasn't good enough for that but it was his heart that got him as far as he had. Well, I feel like Rudy, but I don't think I even have the heart. Or I do, but it's just too old, and hell, I thought maybe if I was good enough my age wouldn't matter. But to be shitty and old, well, there ain't enough heart in the world to make up for that.

The thing is, as uplifting as Rudy was, no one wants to be him. We want to be the star quarterback carrying Rudy on our shoulders, because we'll still be in the game the next day while Rudy is back to lugging around the water bottles. That's why movies like that are few and far between, because as much as we know most of us are just average, there's that tiny hope in the back of our minds that we're just a little bit more than that. So when we're faced with the fact that not only are we not average, but we're worse than average, well...what then? I know you're supposed to just get back up on that horse when you've fallen off, but it's really hard to go back up when you know this is as good as it's going to get. Every time I got near that Fargo I was sure there was something better in store for me, I just had to wait it out. But now, there just doesn't seem to be. I mean, how can you honestly justify a bigger and better plane when you can't do anything with it? When you're not even remotely good enough to do anything with it?

 I've got to say, this is my first really big failure. And I guess, being thirty, that's probably a pretty good thing. But when you were already thinking you'd screwed up by not doing something like this sooner and that you've missed your chance for something really great, finding out you're subpar feels like an epic failure. I always thought I was the hero of my own story, but it turns out I'm the goofy sidekick that everyone laughs at. Yes, I'm funny and add the token joke to the slower parts, but by the climax, I'm still making jokes while the hero's life has all come together.

So, now, do I choose to be Rudy and happily drag out the Fargo for a local jaunt around the area knowing it's all I'll ever get? At least he loved football...how do you love something that makes you feel so awful?